Custer’s Last Stand

Some of you may have already caught whiff of this good luck fart, but my cancer is gone. It’s been official for a while but now the chemo is DONE!!! Somehow for me that means more – this process winding down to an end. Even when they tell you that you’re cancer free, the whole process stays the same and you’re still sick.

So, treatment is done!!!

Right now I’m just chillin’ at the hospital getting my final blood transfusion. I should be at home tonight and……….what else do you say to that? By 10pm I should be smoking cigarettes and eating butter sticks just to show my body that I AM still in charge and not to get any wise ideas.

For my final round all my nurses brought me in a celebratory cake…..which my dog ended up ripping off the counter and eating alone – stupid, fat, hungry, selfish dog. She had delicious white frosting and chocolate crumbs all over her dog bed and when we came in the house she did that thing where she puts her tail between her legs and puts her head down but makes this scary smiling face at you while eyeballing you out of the corner of her eye and still desires your attention and positive affection.

My mom and I went to Subway the other day and there’s this homeless lady sitting out front. She blocks both the entrance to the Subway as WELL as the little Chinese take-out place so she’s really cornered the market. We get up there and she goes to this lady, “Spare some change?” I hate homeless people begging for change. It’s uncomfortable, awkward and most of all, no. I DON’T want to just GIVE YOU my money because you asked. “Hey, homeless guy, can I have your jacket? Oh – you’ve got some extra cans there – do you mind if I just take them from you?”

Anyway, she’s sitting out in the drizzling rain and she goes to me and mom, “You spare some change?”

And I say, “No, sorry. I don’t carry cash.” This is my preferred answer. It’s not only true but a useful deterrent.

But I’m not a complete monster. I don’t just ride the horse around the ranch whipping black people all day. I have a heart. I ask if she wants a sandwich and bring her into Subway with us. She gets up to the front and goes, “Tuna, white – can I have a footlong?” And I say sure.

What I hated most about it was that at the end of the line, they stuck hers in a plastic bag even though I said we were staying and they stuck my mom’s and mine on a separate tray.

She started to walk off with her sandwich and I go, “Hey – you get a drink and either chips or cookies”. She comes back and says, “Oh, I love the macadamia ones – thank you so much for letting me pick what goes on my sandwich. People buy me sandwiches sometimes but they’re loaded in jalapeños and I can’t eat that.”

I laughed and said she was welcome. Then I stuck out my hand and said, “I’m John”. She shakes it and says, “Nancy” I asked Nancy if she wanted to sit and eat with us but she says, “Oh, I’d love to but I’ve gotta make SOME money today.

Unbelievable.

Next thing, after lunch (still raining), mom and I are at Rite-Aid picking up a bunch of my medicine. We’re sitting in the parking lot watching the old man in the car next to us. He’s touching his steering wheel and moving levers and looking around and my mom and I are laughing, talking about how he’s forgotten how to drive but he’s pretty sure it has SOMETHING to do with this wheel here. So we’re laughing and having a jolly time at this old fool’s expense and HE LOOKS OVER AT US AND SEES US LAUGHING! I quickly turn away but not before seeing him shrug at us like HE AGREES. He doesn’t know what’s happening!

Next thing, this old man steps out of his car and stares into mine – my mom is driving and he’s on my side so he’s staring directly at me and he just keeps shrugging. The kind of shrug that says, “I don’t know”. So mom and I step out of the car and the old man says to me, “I forgot how to turn my windshield wipers on”.

He opens his door for me and signals for me to get inside – to fiddle around. I comply, but the full time I’m keeping my eyes peeled, thinking he’s going to try and kick me into the passenger seat with one geriatric leg and then sell me into the sex trade what with human trafficking being on the rise and whatnot.

It all turned out okay, though, thank God.

On a lighter note, hopefully the next blog will have NOTHING to do with cancer (unless it’s about one of the support groups I’m thinking about joining!) and will be more focused on movie and photography related topics.

So check this out:

www.theletterbphotography.com

This is Jade’s and my photo website and it JUST WENT UP!!! IT’S BRAND SPANKIN’ NEW – I GUARANTEE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT!

We’re building our portfolio right now so we’re just trying to line up shoots. If you or your loved ones want to help us we would be GREATFUL!

Without further ado, that’s that.

Quityerbellyachin’

Things have been quiet. Not too quiet. Just quiet enough so as not to make me cry a bunch and then come write it down in a funny way.

My mother-in-law came to town and that was a blast. Luckily, the two weeks she showed up were two of the best weeks of my chemo-life. We got to mainly chill-bill and relax. While we were in the hospital getting juiced my wife took her mom over to the horse races – they’re across the street from the hospital.

I told them to bet twenty-five dollars on the horse with the silliest name. They put it all on Quityerbellyachin’ and then he blew it and now I have cancer and no cash. Stupid horse.

While they were there they had hotdogs just to “fulfill the experience of the track”. My wife doesn’t eat hotdogs so she had to try to keep the “experience” as well as her gag reflex down.

About a week after my mother-in-law left, my dad and sister showed up for a SURPISE VISIT!!! I was just standing (topless) in my dining room when I saw two familiar figures burst past my window and then the bing-bong of my doorbell. It was a great surprise and we had some fun. Fer sher I wasn’t up to the par of the week before. Here’s where some of the juicy stuff starts – the stuff all you little sickos keep coming back for.

I got weak. Real weak. Tired. Then my skin turned yellow like I was coming down with friggin’ jaundice. My wife tried to hospitalize me but I hate that place so I fought it and said I just needed to drink some moo juice.

Then my dad felt he had to pipe in and let me know that we WERE going to the hospital and NEED HE REMIND ME that he outweighed me by AT LEAST 100 pounds.

I told him if he tried anything funny he’d get to see how much energy I really had left in me. Needless to say (totally needless) we DID NOT go to the hospital that day – Saturday.

The next day we were all walking into church. I was feeling much better – well, a little better and hey, don’t you just sit at church? I was doin’ that at home! So we go into church and suddenly I’m needing something – a chair, a pole, a wall, a shoulder, a floor, something. My world goes into tunnel vision and the noise gets all far away. All I can hear is my wife saying my name over and over again.

I wake up and I’m on the floor of my church lobby. People are trying to give me water, get me to sit down, am I okay? I’d fainted like a darned fool right in front of everyone!!! And now I was just sitting there crumpled up like a dumb little ball. AHHHH!

They got me situated at the back of the church and we went to the hospital the next day.

They took my blood. Everything was low. White count. Red count. Hemoglobin. They said I’d totally crashed and everyone (including the old seasoned nurses and my wife and family) acted really grossed out by my white tongue.

Personally, I think my tongue seemed whiter just because my skin looked more yellow than usual, which I PARTIALLY blame on all the fluorescent lighting around.

At the hospital, while I was getting my blood drawn, I was telling another patient about my fainting experience at church – she’s this big, black southern woman and she goes, “They musta thought you had a genuine religious experience, hahahaha”.

They gave me a blood transfusion – I got it from someone in Pamona – and now I feel great.

Okay, two more things real quick and then we’ll get the fart outta here. First off, we found this painting that looks like my dad:

Secondly, my sister grooms dogs. Here’s a photo of my dog with half a groom.

Thirdly, here’s just another random cute photo I found of my dog and me before this all started. Awwww….

Alright. That’s it. I’m gonna finish eating my grilled cheese and tomato soup and then go watch Tremors with my mom and wife. Hope everyone out yonder is doing splenda and hopefully I continue on. FINAL ROUND OF CHEMO IN ABOUT TWO WEEKS!!!